Using the 12 Traditions to Heal Our Relationships

Thursdays at 7 PM CT

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Meeting ID: 854 6758 9623 Passcode: 424431
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Hello everyone, my name is ______________ and I’m powerless over violence.

Emotional sobriety is hard to find until we begin using every ounce of will and action to cutoff our paralyzing dependency on the drama triangle. The VA toolkit is a must. Especially daily trigger processing in the morning and evening. With the spear tip found in our VA trigger processing alongside the self-recovery of the Steps and the spiritual restructuring, unity and relational boundaries offered at this meeting or by studying the Traditions we can increase our chances of restoring the heart and mind.

Who would like to read the 12 Steps? (Click here or share the link)

Who would like to read the 12 Traditions? (Click here or share the link)

This is an open VA meeting focusing on an ever deepening level of intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others. In this meeting, we welcome all forms of a higher power. Many of us know the Steps, but the Traditions are less understood. Bill W. stated that the Traditions were the Steps in action and that in the future there would be countless applications for the Traditions. Many have even used them for saving their marriage.

I have asked ______________ to read an excerpt of a letter entitled, The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety, written by Bill W. and published in 1958.

“I think that many oldsters who have put our AA “booze cure” to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA — the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.”

“Since AA began, I’ve taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! …..still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.

“Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

“Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.

“Then only, could I be free to love as Saint Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.

“Plainly, I could not avail myself of God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. For my dependency meant demand—a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.”

Working the Steps and Traditions can change your life. Many of us are already working the Steps so we can add this alongside our Stepwork. If we are on Step 1 then add the Tradition 1 questions, and so on. In this meeting we answer individually one Tradition question pertaining to emotional sobriety and relationship boundaries. After writing for about 5-7 minutes we will share our responses or you may share whatever you need to share. We want you to feel comfortable in our meeting therefore we state, there is no obligation to write or share.

First let’s go around the room and check in by stating in less than one minute how we feel today. Keep in mind that there will be more time to share later. If this is your first VA meeting please let us know so we can welcome you.

My name is ____________. I am powerless over violence and I feel……………….

We will now answer 1 question for Tradition ____. (5-7 minutes)(**Read the Tradition first, then read the question out loud twice to the group and also post the questions on zoom).
There is no obligation to write or share. You may use this time to meditate if you wish.

TRADITION 1 – Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon VA unity.

Am I willing to see that my own personal recovery is dependent on the level of Unity within our group or fellowship? How are the two related?
What must I let go of in order to embrace the common welfare?
How is putting the common welfare first useful in a relationship? To other aspects of my life (work, family, daily activities)?
What could I improve in my efforts to bring a spirit of unity to those who are on the edge of VA? To those who I dislike?
What does VA Unity mean to me?

TRADITION 2 – For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

Bill Wilson, founder of the first 12 Step group, spoke often of the need for leadership. Name a situation where someone has tried to be a good example for you in the program.
What do the words “trusted servant” mean to me? How does believing in others’ abilities relate to emotional sobriety?
Why is it important that God (the Higher Power) be loving?
What does it mean to govern? Do I try to govern or direct those around me?
Can a group conscience or a meeting be unhealthy? Explain.

TRADITION 3 – The only requirement for VA membership is a desire to stop participating in the cycle of violence.

How is the desire to stop participating in the cycle of violence related to the desire for a better life?
How does Tradition 3 keep us from judging others? How does being free of judgement contribute to emotional sobriety? What needs of ours may be going unmet when we judge others?
Why is “being a part of” so important to VA members? How does connecting with others help us heal emotionally?
How can I apply the spirit of open membership to other areas of my life?
What can I do to make sure that newcomers feel welcome in my group?

TRADITION 4 – Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or VA as a whole.

Do groups have the right to be wrong? How does tolerance of the mistakes of others and ourselves contribute to emotional sobriety?
How does the freedom that comes from autonomy unite us?
When I believe that others have their own Higher Power, how does this bring serenity?
Do I offer solutions to others instead of respecting their autonomy? How does this block intimacy with the people in my life?
What does “autonomy” mean to you? In a relationship?

TRADITION 5 – Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the person who still suffers from violence.

Give an example or an area of life in which you are still suffering (emotionally, spiritually, etc.)?
What is the message? How was the message carried to me?
What does it mean to you “I can’t keep it unless I give it away”?
When I see an VA friend truly suffering, how can I be of service to him or her?
How does this singleness of purpose help my personal recovery? Can ideological divisions within VA distract us from our primary purpose?

TRADITION 6 – A VA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the VA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money , property , and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

What does the phrase “Everything I put in front of the program I lose” mean to you? Give an example.
How does trying to convert people inside or outside the program relate to prestige?
Why is it important to not endorse therapies or gurus in VA meetings? Can this divert newcomers and even ourselves?
What may divert me from getting in touch with my underlying emotions?
How can authority divert us from our primary purpose? Do I believe that my time in the program gives me authority over others?

TRADITION 7 – Every VA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

How can letting go of the idea of “easy money” bring us closer to being self-supporting, emotionally balanced people?
How can it hurt a meeting, or the fellowship if the same people are always doing service?
Where the material meets the spiritual, as in the passing of the basket, why is anonymity so important?
How can I be self-supporting in my personal life? Do I allow others the same privilege?
How can we use our relationships in VA to mend our difficulties connecting with others?

TRADITION 8 – Violence Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

Do I play the professional or the expert, advising others without being asked? Give examples.
Give an example when we have used recovery status or recovery language to control another?
How can playing the expert keep intimacy out of our relationships?
Although both the program and therapy have their own merits, what are some advantages of our program?
Do I endorse specific dieting, medical, or therapy based solutions for people or do I try to be prudent about such topics, even when asked?

TRADITION 9 – VA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Being a form of internal organization, why should we avoid cliques in VA?
What is the relationship between organization and control? How does letting go of controlling others lead to emotional balance?
How can too much mental organization block one’s emotional ability to receive, to listen, to be open?
How can I let go of wanting to be right while being of service? Would I rather be right or have connection with others?
How does our informal structure limit rigidity in VA?

TRADITION 10 – Violence Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the VA name ought never be drawn into public controversy .

Do we try to willfully convince others with our opinions, or are we able to be open to what the conversation may bring?
How can political or religious debates get in the way of our primary purpose? Can a conversation even about VA get political?
How does expressing all of our opinions, even outside the meeting, distract us from staying focused on those who may be suffering?
As a sponsor or sponsee, how does equality and freedom play into an emotionally balanced relationship.
How does restraint of our opinions foster unity in VA?

TRADITION 11 – Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

What does it mean to me “attraction not promotion”? Can I apply this principle to my relationships?
When we relate with others on “send mode” how does this block the sunlight of the spirit?
What is the relationship between working the Steps, practicing the Traditions, and attraction?
How is attraction related to being open? How is attraction related to humility?
Which defects may keep me from letting go of promotion?

TRADITION 12 – Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Are we able to put principles before personalities especially in those cases of personalities that we dislike?
In love relationships, how does putting our values in front of isolated physical attraction help us to find a more balanced relationship.
Bill Wilson stated that sacrifice was the essence of anonymity. What must be sacrificed in order to be anonymous?
Can breaking my personal anonymity be helpful in certain situations? Explain.
Why must we be ever reminded? Do I understand the value of having a beginner’s mind?

************WRITING TIME**********************

(**After writing 5 min. (Try to begin sharing at or near the halfway mark))

If you are still writing, you may continue to do so. Is there anyone who came in after we started who would like to introduce themselves?

We will now practice the 7th Tradition which states “We are self- supporting through our own contributions”. Are there any announcements? (*Announce Service Positions available for the bi-yearly (or trimester) elections in December and June.)

Any VA members who would like to ask for someone’s contact info by chat or any who would like to offer their contact info you may do so now.

In order to allow everyone a chance to share, shares are limited to 3 minutes. (if more than 10 people). The time keeper will say the word “TIME”; when your time is up. Who would like to be our time keeper? Thank you for your service.

We will now start with whoever would like to begin. We share popcorn style starting with whoever would like to begin.

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( at 7:57) : Sorry but we have run out of time. If you did not get a chance to share, please feel free to share with one of us after the meeting. The questions and the format that we use in the meeting can be found online. Our business meeting is held on the first Thursday of the month typically 30 minutes before the meeting, all are welcome to attend. Who would like to read our CLOSING?

The following are excerpts from the letter “Emotional Sobriety” published by the AA grapevine.

“This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love…. It is most clear that the current can’t flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.

“Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.

“….Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.”

We will now close with the “WE” version of the Serenity Prayer with which we will now close the meeting. “God, grant US the serenity to accept the things WE cannot change, the courage to change the things WE can and the wisdom to know the difference”.